This is how...

Want to know how to torture yourself? Continue to look through your living child's photographs of when they were younger and imagine the child that has passed away and wonder what they would be doing when they would be that age. Timmy should be 5 months old tomorrow. Here is Mads when she was 5 months old... I wonder what he would look like? My guess is a lot like her...



Little things make me happy when I remember Timmy. I love looking at my tattoo. I like knowing that he's always with me in that way and "walking" with me. I love seeing the anchor part of it. I love that there is a T intertwined into it as well if you look closely. I love that when someone sees anything with an anchor on it, they tell me that it made them think of him or think of us. I love that when we take Madelyn upstairs to put her to bed, one of the last things that she does it blow Timmy a kiss and tell him that she loves him.

Things I hate? That I'm even typing this at all in reference to my son being gone. I hate that I still get SO angry and bitter about the situation when I know in my heart that he'd want us all to be happy. I hate that it takes only one fleeting second for me to go from being in a good mood and then remember what's happened and then feel like I'm back at square one again. I hate that other people seem to live their lives so normally with no problems that are even minutely comparable to what we've gone through and they have NO IDEA how lucky they are. I hate that ultimately I know this has changed me a lot as a person. Maybe in some ways for the better in that I know I'm a better mom. I appreciate little things more with Madelyn and love her that much more too. But in some ways I think I'm worse off as well right now. I don't think it's healthy to be so angry and bitter with life on some days. I hope that goes away at some point? I know it's only been 5 months. But sometimes that feels like forever too...