Home from my Dr. appointment

I just got home from my first doctor's appointment since Timmy passed away. The dr. cried with me the whole time and stayed with me for almost 45 minutes to answer all of my questions. Basically there was a "de-briefing" with he, other doctors, NICU doctors, Timmy's doctors, etc. Still termed a "concealed plancental abruption" for what happened to all of Timmy's blood that caused him to go into shock, etc. At time of delivery, an entire 5% of my blood consisted of his blood. :( From what my dr. said that's got to be almost his whole blood volume that had leaked into me. I have to assume it was a slow leak to have left him still able to survive in me and since we can't attribute any trauma to causing the abruption. He doesn't think that they'll find anything on the autopsy as he was anatomically perfect but just put through so much that he couldn't take it. :( Basically he said that our situation is a horrible, horrible small percentage of all of this happening and for it there not to have been any signs that it was happening until it was basically too late is the cruelest part about it he says. I think he's just as frustrated about it all as we are.

I asked him for the future if he'd recommend seeing a high risk dr. He said that it'd be fine but that because it's not anything that was genetically linked to Adam or I, or us put together, that it's most likely be tons of extra monitoring, stress tests, blood tests, ultrasounds etc. Nothing that they couldn't do there at their office but that if it were he and his wife he'd want to feel like they were going that extra step to see a higher up dr. to feel like they were doing everything they could do to prevent something from happening again. Said that there is a slight, slight risk that another abruption could occur since I've already had one but that it's such a small increase that he wouldn't ever say that we shouldn't try again so I guess that's good.

Whew, it was a long appointment. Sad appointment. But I guess a "good" one. Even though I know it can't change anything it does somehow make me feel "better" if I even want to use that word because I know how seriously my doctor is taking this loss as well. I strongly believe that there is nothing he or any other dr. could have done to know this was going to happen. And even after Timmy came out with such good Apgar scores I don't blame anyone for not being able to see the future that he'd crash just an hour or so later. He said that the hospital is discussing how they could even make an attempt to try to see this all happening earlier and right now they aren't sure how to do it. It's not like you can send EVERY baby to the NICU for monitoring you know? Either way, hopefully somehow our experience can help someone's baby in the future.