Being pregnant after losing Timmy-

HELLO to the 2nd trimester for Baby Cahill #3! We had a rough ride for our first trimester unfortunately. It all started just a few days after I found out that I was pregnant. Before I went to bed, I went to the bathroom to find bright red blood. Not good. Adam and I thought that we were having another miscarriage. Fortunately though, the bleeding stopped and when we went to the dr. the next morning we got good news with our blood work. Unfortunately, the bleeding continued on and off for the next few weeks. To someone that has had a miscarriage, two surgeries to fix is, and recently lost a son, blood at any point in pregnancy, but especially in the first trimester...it just doesn't make it any easier on your brain and your anxiety. We had a few ultrasounds where the baby looked really good so we were still hopeful despite the on and off spotting. At our ultrasound around week 7 we were told that I have a sub chorionic hematoma. Basically it's a blood clot at the top of my uterus that was causing the bleeding. When first found it measured 4x3x2 centimeters. Usually as the baby grows they either bleed out and/or are reabsorbed back into the body. However if they continue to grow, they can cause all kinds of problems, including an increased risk of placental abruption. Great. As if I need any more chance of having one of those right? As luck would have, I had my worst amount of bleeding that same day. After speaking with my doctor, he put me on bed rest for the next three days to see if we could get it to stop. The bright red stopped but the brown continued from that point on for the next two weeks. Since then, though, we've been told that the hematoma IS shrinking, which is great news, and as I get bigger, it should get smaller. No bleeding for about the past three weeks either! Being pregnant after the loss of Timmy is...terrifying. Hard. Surreal. And half the time I try not to even remember that I am pregnant. I go back and forth between for one split second, letting myself because excited about the "what ifs" of actually having a baby that I get to bring home to our house and to Madelyn. She is already a big sister to Timmy but she is so ready to help take care of a baby that lives here with us. On the other hand, it's sometimes easier to just try to forget and let the days pass...Most people in their pregnancies are just happy to get out of the first trimester. The odds of having an early miscarriage drop significantly after the 13 week mark. For us though...As Adam would say...we live in the small side of the percentages. When you've had something extremely rare happen to you and your child, well, that's where your brain stays. When you're the less than 1%, it's hard to ever forget that things might actually work out. Instead, you guard your heart against the worst happening again. Because now you know that if it's happened once, it could definitely happen again. After 13 weeks, most people, breathe, relax, and "enjoy" their pregnancy. I on the other hand, feel more like a ticking time bomb. The bigger this baby gets, the farther along I get, the closer I get to nine months. That's all closer to when something went wrong with Timmy. That's all closer to when placentas start to fail, especially if you've already had a previous abruption. It messes with your head. Most people would be thrilled at the thought of getting so many ultrasounds and so much monitoring with a pregnancy. In total, I think we've already had 5 ultrasounds. Exciting? Fun? Of course I love to see the baby. But what keeps me up in a panic for the days before I know I'm having one is the thought that it's just another way that they could have to tell us that something is wrong. Each time I'm in an ultrasound room my mind goes back to that half an hour long ultrasound at 37 weeks and 3 days where I saw Timmy up on the screen. He didn't move once. Didn't practice his breathing once. The tech was trying to get him to move, but nothing worked. As a mom, you know when something is wrong with your child. And having that image of him, that first sign that something was seriously wrong, it's just one that I'll never forget and it follows me around each time that I go into an ultrasound room. Is this pregnancy the biggest roller coaster of our lives? Probably so. Next to losing Timmy, is it emotionally one of the hardest things that I've had to do? Maybe so. Is it hard? Yes. Is it terrifying? Yes. Is it enough on some days to make you worry so much that you're sick to your stomach? Absolutely.. However, will it be worth it? DEFINITELY. The next months until this baby hopefully gets here happy and healthy aren't going to be stress free ones that's for sure. Each little ache and pain is alarming. However, I hope that when this little baby is here that this is one of those times that will feel like it never happened. I just keep reminding myself that we have ALREADY been through the worst. We've already somehow SURVIVED the worst that can happen to Adam and I. This comparably is just a few months to bring another little miracle into the world, and hopefully this time, into our home.